For the past several weeks, I have found myself mired in the slimy pit of depression and hopelessness. I have not had the emotional energy to write a blog entry. Nor did I want to depress my (few) blog readers. Moreover, when I experience these negative emotions, I have a tendency to ruminate and obsess- and then to spiral downward.
I don't know how many of you believe in spiritual attack, but Seth and I found ourselves absolutely bombarded with struggles just after Seth decided to contribute 10% of his business proceeds to Charity Water in order to build a freshwater well in Rwanda. Coincidence? Call it one if you like. But, we don't think so. Satan loves to destroy a good thing.
After a record month (in August), business came to a screeching halt. The phone lines were quiet. Some clients were difficult. Repairs were needed on the van. Gas prices rose. Bills bills bills. And not enough money to pay them.
Admittedly, I have always struggled to embrace this cleaning business. It has never provided enough money. There are no health benefits. There's no retirement fund. No paid vacation days. No sick days. No stability. I confess that I have been far too critical and not nearly as supportive or helpful as I should be. I think my criticism comes out of a place of fear, frustration, and helplessness. I can't offer much (financial) assistance right now since jobs in my professional field have dried up. What I earn from some entry level job will not begin to cover childcare costs (not to mention the mental, physical and emotional it would take on me to try to balance full-time work with being a full-time mom).
In addition to our financial challenges, we have had other struggles as well. No one is getting enough sleep or rest in our home. (I, for one, haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a year!) We have all been cranky and on edge. The kids have been incredibly challenging: Annalisa because of her sleep issues, and Josh...well...because he's three. Seth and I do not ever have date nights. Romance, fun and laughter went out out the door long ago. Seth and I are both lousy and self-care (with the exception of working out regularly). I could go on and on...but, you get the picture.
So, with the weight of the world upon my shoulders, I found myself looking
down. Down into my slimy pit....then climbing inside. Rather than looking
up to the Lord for help and lifting my arms so that He could pull me out of the abyss.
After about three or four weeks of feeling miserable and wanting nothing more than to run away, I decided to start
looking up and also
reaching out for help and support.
Our small group is studying the Psalms right now, and our study is based on the pastor's sermon series. I love the Psalms. They are so real. So accessible. King David had some pretty major struggles. His sins were egregious. He literally had to fear for his life. But, he also emanated joy and his praise was sincere. He trusted that God would lift him out of the pit and restore his hope.
The following (Psalm 121) is one of my favorite psalms (though there are
so many good ones!). It reminds me to keep my eyes lifted up and to have faith in God. He is faithful and cares about us. My trials are temporary but my hope is eternal. This is how it goes:
"I lift my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from harm- he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more."
Even though we are still dealing with some of these challenges and we are not yet out of the woods, my perspective has changed. I have become more hopeful, more proactive, and more centered on God. I am not mired in despair as I was a few weeks ago.
I wanted to share this experience in order to be an encouragement to you. If you're ever feeling or lost or hopeless, keep your eyes lifted
up. God loves you and cares about you. He wants to restore your hope and your joy. I think that sometimes, when we're in the thick of it, we need to remind each other of this truth.
